Friday, November 23, 2012

Dear Santa Jmo's been naughty...Again!

Dear Santa,
I'm not sure who's in charge of your naughty list, but I think you need to recheck their job application. While walking on the beach, I happened to see one Julian Claus misbehaving in a most unClaus like way. I am quite aware that he is your son, but that doesn't change the fact the boy needs some home-training. Not only did he trespass on a private island, but he made googly eyes at my granddaughter. I don't care what cockamamie story he concocted about nearly drowning after his yacht went blooey. Trespassing is trespassing. In spite of what you might hear, I have no idea where that freak blizzard came from. The Bahamas have snow storms all the time, and I dare you to call me a liar!
Where was I? Oh, yes the googly eyes. I don't know how you folks at the North Pole do things, but down south, menfolk don't take advantage of poor widder wimmen with two innocent children to take care of. If I had a shotgun, there'd be wedding bells in the air and not those silver bells chiming wherever you go. Though, I do like those. That's not the point. Your son is a hair's breath away from becoming a buckshot filled in-law. So, if I were you, I'd load that chunky tummy in that sleigh and get your rosy cheeked self down here and deal with this before I do. Neither of us wants that. Now, do we?
M. Nature
P.S. If it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you pick me up some of those little chocolates they sell in Switzerland that I like? You know the ones I'm talking about. The little swirly shaped blobs with cashews and caramel. Can't abide those jelly filled ones, as you very well know.
The Family Claus
Claus…I Love You
By J. Morgan
Coming down a chimney near you December 21st from Desert Breeze Publishing
Julian Claus had thought to escape the family business this year. Being one of his father's little helpers had worn thin ages ago. It didn't help that his father just so happened to be the Santa Claus. A shipwreck derails his plans for a tropical getaway. Instead of wiling away his holiday on a yacht with a bevy of hot babes, he finds himself on a private island with possibly the woman of his dreams. Widowed Noel Greenway might not have been his first choice but after years of avoiding the marriage trap she might turn out to be the only choice that has ever mattered to him. Now, he just has to hope a Christmas miracle comes along to convince her that true love does strike twice in one lifetime. Good thing his family are experts in that department.
"He looks dead to me."
"Gran, stop poking him with your cane."
"I'm too old to give him mouth to mouth. Thought poking him in the chest might flush his lungs."
"He's a drowned man, not a backed up toilet."
"All the more reason to poke him. I don't have a plunger, or I'd try that. Besides, this a private beach and he's trespassing. Toss him back before we start getting tourists with flash photography fetishes. I can't abide either one."
Julian was sprawled out on his back on the beach, at least he thought it was a beach, letting the two women's voice lull him back to consciousness. Not that the old woman's cane wasn't reason enough to wake up. He'd considered letting them know he was back among the living, but the old lady's cane had him worried. Just slightly more worried than the fact he couldn't remember how he got here, or drowned, if the voices fluttering above his head could be believed.
"Mom, can we poke him too?"
"Jeremy, put down that stick. You may not poke him and that goes for you too, Beth."
"Moooooom, I told you to call me Dora," a young girl's voice chimed.
"I most certainly will not. You are not Dora the Explorer, in spite of that ridiculous wig." The woman slid a hand down her face.
Great, now the whole family was getting in on it. Julian wished he'd stayed in the water. At least then he wouldn't be drowned and being knocked around like a piƱata. Staying unconscious wasn't working, unless assault and battery counted as doing fine. Seriously, this vacation was starting to suck big time.
Then again, what did he expect? Mom had cursed him when he left. Well, maybe curse was too strong a word. She’d slightly suggested that if he left the family high and dry during the holidays -- again -- he'd regret it. Of course at the time Julian thought she meant he'd end up with a raging case of Montezuma's Revenge. Nearly drowning wasn't Mom's cup of tea when it came to motherly curses. Having children just like you was tough and one of the reasons he avoided marriage and anything that came close to passing on the Claus family gene. That wasn't to say he didn't like the female of the species, because he most definitely did. A little too much if you asked his parents and several Inuit fathers he now avoided down at the grocery store.
Julian couldn't help himself from wincing when he heard the little boy whisper to his grandmother to "hit him again." The "him", Julian assumed, to be well him. Unless there was another nearly dead guy around here he didn't know about, which seemed highly unlikely or at the very least highly improbable. A shot to the neck told him he hadn't been mistaken.
"Owww!" This time nothing could stop him from sitting up. Julian was sure the old crone had pierced his jugular with that last hit.
"Ah, good. He's alive. Now toss him back in the water before he thinks we owe him a meal or something for being damn fool enough to drown near our beach."
"Grandmama, stop being so mean."
Since J. Morgan and Santa are through shanghaiing my blog time.... I want to sneak in here for a moment and wish you happy shopping and celebrating. But, try to stay off the naughty list, or just don't get caught.


Anne-Marie said...

Awesome!!! I'm laughing so hard I'm not able to type. I've gotta get this one.

Paisley Kirkpatrick said...

Thanks, A-M.. Jmo has a wicked sense of humor. :)

Elaine Mattei said...

Totally twisted!! Enjoyed every word. Great to see another take on Santa & family. Happy shopping and Merry Christmas.

Paisley Kirkpatrick said...

Thanks for coming by, Elaine. Shopping, did you say? Oh No, not me but maybe Jmo will spend all of his money in the stores and on Amazon. :)

Josie said...

LOL! So clever, Paisley. Thanks for sharing!

Paisley Kirkpatrick said...

Glad you enjoyed the post, Josie. Jmo is really a fun author to read.